No Regrets

The story I am about to share, about why a happily married mother of four would turn around and attempt something so preposterous as going into medicine may, for some, beg the question as to why I didn't pursue such a thing in the first place. So allow me to start by stating this first premise very clearly: Even if I could do the past twelve years of my life differently, I wouldn't.

Upon leaving high school with the very best prospects a new graduate could hope for, I attended university. Two qualities could best describe me: emotionally exhausted and utterly lacking in confidence. The normal bumps one experiences while adjusting to adult life shook me to my core and my academic prospects suffered the brunt of my fear and insecurities. As my grades crashed so did my hopes of ever getting into medical school. Feeling that my time then had become a waste, I worked as hard and as fast as I could to get out of school with at least a semblance of self-respect. I completed my bachelor's program in Philosophy with a decent GPA in two and half years.

Along the way my life took two wonderful turns: I met Christ and I met Roger. My desire to go into medicine found a new expression in the possibility of going into ministry. Roger and I were married and went off to seminary where we prepared to work in the church. Eventually kids came along and our business grew. I laid aside the present possibility of a career as I turned my attention towards keeping a home and raising a family.

For the past seven years, these responsibilities have consumed my time and energy. Roger and I often discussed my desire to return to work. The idea of a working wife grew on him over time, realizing as he did that my work at home, though indispensable to him and the children, was not necessarily the best long-term fit for his wife. However, he was also very clear that the children would have to be fairly well on their way before my attentions could be spared.

The trajectory of this storyline might not have been much altered if not for the events following the birth of Joseph. It sounds cliche, but coming so close to death makes you realize just how short life is. There is an urgency, a boldness, a reordering of priorities that follows such an experience. Things that were once important lose their importance and certain dispositions, such as complacency or resignation, become intolerable.

And so it was that last summer, just as we were emerging from the valley of darkness, that Roger told me it was time that I return to my original passion for medicine. He knew full well what he was saying. With my academic background, I would have two years of full-time schooling ahead of me just to apply to a program. My previous GPA would require nothing less than a 4.0 over the course of 48 units of science and math. I would need to commit to at least 100 hours of volunteerism. Not to mention the preparation required for any entrance exams. And he knew there was a very real chance that, even after all this sacrifice, nothing may come of it in the end.

It's actually because of the infinitesimally small chance of this goal coming to fruition that I decided against telling those around me of my ambitions. I needed to first gain some quiet confidence that I could even go back to school and succeed at the level required to even consider applying to med school. I'm happy to report that my first year finished with much success. I am currently enrolled in summer classes and have a full year ahead of me. I was fortunate to receive student volunteer placement at Doctor's Hospital in the OR (the bonus of this otherwise janitorial-type job is that I get to observe various surgeries). This also explains why I desired to apply for a medical mission to Kenya -- a fitting mix of my new desire for ministry and my original desire to work in medicine.

So let it be said again: I am not pursuing this career because I wish I could undo my family. I am investing in this process precisely because of the love and support I have in them. The internal compulsion to pursue these dreams has, at last, found a safe and supportive environment in which to be expressed.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21